Saturday, June 26, 2010


How can you move on from a big mistake? I did so many wrong turns and choices in my life that I fear to take another step. I cannot move on with my life. I am stuck. I feel that there is nothing enjoyable in my life right now. I made a wrong course in college and I feel that it is determining the course of my life right now. I feel incomplete, always searching for something vague. I am disatisfied with myself. I cannot stop thinking of what-if scenarios.

I know it is unhealthy. I know there is nothing to gain from all these thoughts. What's done is done. Nothing can be done to replace the mistakes. I chose a college course that is so impractical and out of my league and now I have to live with it. Living in a fantasy, isolating myself and bumming around the house won't make my life any better. I am just deluding myself, injecting my head with anaesthesia of TV and Internet. None of these things can cure my disatisfaction. 

I must live with my choices if I want to get better. I do want to like myself more. I know it is not a job or a thing that can make me feel better about myself. I want to be productive and it doesn't really matter to me what kind of job that is, as long as it is something I want. I cannot keep on evying my friends for having "cool jobs." In pictures, they seem very happy and satisfied. And that I envy too. But what does that mentality bring me? Does it make me any better? I do not want to compare myself to others anymore. It has brought me nothing good. 

I want to act on my problems. I want to end this feeling of disatisfaction and live my life to the fullest. I want to be able to deal with worries and anxieties with maturity and positivity. I want to live life. I want to have a life. Not one that is spent alone, in isolation, dreaming up fantasies and what-ifs. I want connection and creativity. I want to wake every morning energized and ready to face life. I want to get rid of uncertainty, or at least deal with it. I want confidence. I want to be active and not a victim. I want to face life head on. 

The past is long gone. I have to face the reality of my choices. No matter what they might bring, I want to face them. I want to grow old with wonderful stories of how I faced my fears and triumphed. I don't want stories of my youth spent in fear and double-thinking, of regressing and regrets, of never trying, of giving up everything. I want to fight the fears of this life. No matter what happens to me. This life is worth living. God lent me just one. Tomorrow I might die. Only one life to live. One life.

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